Trip Down a Mysterious Past

I just finished the easiest yet most satisfying paper of my college career.

Although I just busted out four pages in a few hours, it did not drag me down at all - perhaps it is because of the fact that I wrote on a topic that I actually really enjoyed learning about.

For the only Communication course I am taking this semester - Comm, Childhood & Play - we were required for our first papers to write a "generational paper" that compared and contrasted our childhoods with an earlier generation. Being not in such terms with my grandparents (although they have a fascinating history that I would have loved to write about), I naturally asked my dad for an interview (knowing very well that he would not refuse).

I learned so much about my dad during my 40-minute phone conversation with him. I learned that growing up, Dad's family ranged in the top 10% of South Korea - something completely unbelievable to me, since I had never experienced such luxury. I learned about his silly anecdotes, an aunt he loved because she had brought him snacks (haha), and perhaps above all, I learned that Daddy had been a child before I ever came to be.

Growing up, Dad was always such a big figure in my life. He was not human to me; he was so...BIG. It wasn't until I left for college last year that it began to hit me that Dad was a human being after all. He wasn't invincible; he, too, made mistakes. He, too, had a childhood. He, too, had dreams before he got stuck with two kids and immigrated, settling in a job that he did not particularly enjoy.

I wonder what kind of dreams he had growing up as a little kid. I wonder if he ever dreamt about his future family - us - as I often do about my future family right now. I wonder what he went through before Mom entered his life. I wonder...how he feels about it all now.

I know that Daddy loves us more than imaginable - there is no doubt about that. I also know for a fact that he would not want to change anything - that is a true parent's love, and I am forever thankful for it.

I have always been Daddy's Little Girl, but recently I began to feel that there is so much about him that is a mystery to me. This little project for Comm class began as a sort of a nuisance (I thought for some reason that the phone call would be very frustrating), but left me with a curiosity to know more about the life my parents had before...I came along.

Promises.

This year I will...

• try my best at everything.
• smile a little more each day.
• try to be more genuine.
• be more proactive in my relationship with God.
• eat more healthy.
• love everyone a little more. (this means I will appreciate my parents more than I do now; I will love my best friends more; I will be more lenient and patient toward those who I find - for the lack of a better word - annoying.)
• listen more.
• be not so afraid to let someone - seriously - enter my heart.

I cannot recall the last time I made New Year's Resolutions. I stopped doing them when I was little because I thought they were pointless. I am still not a big fan of New Year's Resolutions because I think that we should strive to achieve better things and advance ourselves a little more every day. Tonight, however, I felt convicted to write these thoughts down. I don't think of this list as resolutions, however...they are more like promises to myself and to God.

Although I seriously lack the characteristic of being introspective, I think this list will guide me into the right direction :)

Twenty.

No longer a teenager.

I am not sure if aging is such a big deal anymore, since birthdays are becoming more and more meaningless. Still, I feel like this new decade in my life deserves at least a blog post, so here I am.

The birthday started out with a surprise! short party with APO exec board, which took me completely by surprise and made me feel so homey. An earlier celebration in the week felt a bit superficial, which made me question certain things...but of all things, this weekend made me love APO more (I thought it was not even possible to love it more!).

The day continued on with random friend visits and a late lunch/H-mart trip with a friend that I had not imagined to have developed such a special bond with; it's really funny how things turn out sometimes.

At the night of my birthday, I was busy preparing for the Rush Final Mixer, one of the few events that I am in charge of this semester; although it was a little bit stressful in the beginning, the event went smoothly for the most part, and APO made me feel incredibly loved throughout - although it was busy, I would not have had it any other way.

But the night was not over yet. After a brief encounter with church people, I realized that the east coast snow storm had begun; therefore, a friend and I ended up deciding to "walk in the snow" instead of studying, and we built a snowman, took pictures, made snow angels, and completely enjoyed ourselves. When we returned, we cuddled with a cup of hot chocolate and just talked.

I love honest, spiritual conversations that go on for hours. I love hearing and sharing about having a relationship with God and how faithful and good He has been to us.

The past 20 years have been filled with His grace and love. I honestly can say that I am excited for getting to know Him better as I grow in my relationship with Him.

Emotional No More

Hello, February.

I never thought I'd see the day when the busyness of life would reduce me to tears. But it almost happened today.

I knew it was going to be a bad day when I woke up to the alarm ringing at 9am and realized that I could see the world around me clearly - a proof that I had failed to take out my contact lenses the night before, and had fallen asleep in an uncomfortable position with the lights still on.

I think waking up in the morning to find out that I had fallen asleep by "accident" is one of the worst feelings in the world. I do not know why I feel so inadequate after such occasions, but it must have something to do with things getting out of my control.

My Mondays and Wednesdays suck. I have classes and work from 10am until 7pm, with an hour break in between - my only free block of time, by the way, was spent at a TA's office hours today.

In the midst of it all...as I was rushing across campus to make it from one lecture to the next, I felt the burning tears building up behind my eyelids - a phenomenon that started only after college, something that might be psychological for all I know.

I thought I had to cry it out, since my past experiences with the unpleasant sensation had, without fail, led me down that pathway - however, this time it was different. I think I am now able to control my emotions (well, at least that one emotion) to cure myself out from such terrible feelings.

I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing...