N O | C O N T R O L

September 21, 2010

Ever so often, I look back upon my past entries on this blog. It helps me to refocus - to see how far I've come.

I came across this particular entry which made me laugh.

Isn't it really awesome when you think that you have something completely figured out only to have life throw you something completely different?

I wrote that particular entry nearing the end of spring break, thinking that I had regained the control I so desperately sought. By the end of the semester, the little control that I had over the situation was completely lost and I was at His hands, crying out for mercy again.

I love it when I try to trick God and myself into believing something only to have Him stop and shake His head at me.

Ironically, right now I am in the complete opposite situation as that blog entry. I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen during my time abroad in Wales. I don't know how my first day is going to turn out, the characteristics of my flatmates, my class schedule, where the shopping market is, how I am going to eat, what the campus looks like. I have been extremely worried and anxious the past week rather than excited. But now that I'm reflecting on everything that happened in the past two years at Penn, I can't wait to see what God in store for me in Wales. May new relationships flourish, new sights seen, and new knowledge gained! :)

I am so proud of myself that I was able to reduce my luggage to just barely this:

Yay for pink luggages!

Isn't that ridiculous? Compared to what I brought to Penn during my freshman year, this is nothing! I don't know how I am going to survive without 4-other-suitcases worth of stuff in the 3 months I'll be at Wales. I just hope I won't have an extra luggage to bring back home when I am done!

Goodbye, Summer 2010.

September 20, 2010

"There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it."
- Edith Wharton

This little notebook was my sidekick throughout my adventures(?) during the summer of 2010. This book marks the three different chapters of my life (although "chapters" is not the precise word to note my summer since all three parts took place simultaneously). It's kind of serving as a "time capsule" for my hectic summer, and I think it'll be a nice tradition to uphold throughout the different stages in my life.

I'm the type of person who loves scribbling notes - although I am basically inseparable from my computer (sad, I know), I prefer to brainstorm and write notes down on a piece of paper rather than on a word document. It's just the way I do things.

The book is pretty much finalized now (although there is absolutely nothing final about it) - and here is a little glimpse into what is in each tab of the book (and therefore a glimpse into the three different parts of my summer):

Chapter 1: My internship with GAP

The first tab indicates the first internship that I started with a non-profit autism organization. On the right of the picture is a page from that tab...my incredibly messy notes from one of our weekly meetings in WeHo. A lot of my job involved contacting organizations for sponsorships as well as getting word out about the event. Although the actual day of the event was fun (as I went kayaking for the first time ever!), I don't think I'll do it again if I were given the chance. We really lacked the resources we needed for our efforts to be effective - things were just so disorganized all the time!

Enter Chapter 2: My internship with the ICI

A glimpse into my internship

My second internship over the summer was really awesome. The two pages above show the variety of tasks I was given in a particular week - everything from researching Internet tools for the Institute to use to managing a blog was fair game! It was a really amazing experience. Everyday, my critical thinking levels were challenged as my meetings with the Director led into discussions about society, culture, communication, the Internet...I realized so many things about the Internet, non-profit world and relationships among people through this internship. Love, love, love. I found that this internship was really perfect for me - I would love to do something like this for a career.  Above all, I think I really need to be around people who analyze culture almost instinctively - I love having interesting conversations that trigger thoughts in my head to such an extent that I am reminded of it throughout my non-work everyday life.

Enter Chapter 3: Part-time job at TLC

A glimpse into everyday life at TLC

And finally...Chapter 3: TLC. As I have noted in my previous entry, I worked at the same Learning Center for 3 consecutive summers. I won't go into much detail about my experience there (as I have multiple blog entries about it), but here is a glimpse of what my days were like while teaching! On the left is my little "grading sheet" that kept track of where each student was in terms of grammar packets (some kids came later, that's why there are so many blank spaces...others were on different levels, some always came late and never did grammar packets). Note the big "LOST" on one of the spaces. It's so typical of them to lose packets...*sigh*. The page on the right shows an agenda that I had planned on a day-to-day basis as well as a seating chart I had to implement due to high levels of noise. The seating chart is incomplete though - I had way more kids than that at one point! It was quite tricky to break-up "pairs" of friends on completely different parts of the classroom - oh the life of a teacher.

Throughout the summer, I was very rarely found without that pink notebook in hand. Now, I put the pink notebook away and along with it all the memories of this summer. It's been an extremely long break (I can't believe I have been home since May 18th!), but it was very productive. Now it's time to enter Fall 2010 - hello, Wales!

Is it really...over?

September 10, 2010

the last stack of papers

I can't believe it's all over.

My two internships and part-time job - they're all finished. Completed. Done.

This past Wednesday was my last day at the learning center - and on Tuesday night, I graded my last stack of papers. I don't know if the picture above truly indicates how big these stacks of paper were that I had to deal with on an every-other-day basis, but they were quite a pain. Countless journals, vocabulary sentences, reading packets, grammar packets, writing packets...but I am going to miss the small surprises that I received as I went through them (as I have noted in my previous entries) and all the lessons I learned from them.

I was kind of sad that so few kids were remaining on my last day of work, and some of my favorites had already quit (yes, teachers always do have favorites!) - but I was happy to get out of there having experienced some of the sweetest moments I had in all three summers of my teaching experience. Honestly though, it's harder and harder to get attached to the kids at a personal level each year. I haven't figured out why this is - maybe the attitude I come in every summer is detached every year, maybe the kids are just changing to an impersonal level, maybe the gap between the kids and me is growing as I get older. I don't know. The first summer that I taught at the learning center, I was in charge of 3rd-5th graders and a small group of middle-schoolers - but I became attached to them at the end of the summer and had known them at an intimate level. Maybe it's due to the fact that we went on a summer trip together, but the goodbye was sadder back then. In fact, I felt weird at the end of Wednesday that I didn't feel very attached to these kids at all. Maybe it's due to the fact that this summer, I was only at the learning center on Mondays and Wednesdays, from 8am to 3pm, as opposed to last two summers where I was there full time from 8am to 6pm, Monday-Thursday.

Whatever the reason may be for my particular detachment from the kids this summer, I am done with the learning center. I wish I can see them grow to mature little beings (and see 'M' get his "mastery degree" from Harvard at age 20), but this is where my "fate" with them ends. I have come to realize that connections between people - "destiny and fate" between two people - cannot be forged, manipulated or forced. If it's meant to be, we'll see each other again someday. If it's meant to be, we'll be in each other's lives even if we will against it. That's just how life goes.

I totally didn't expect this entry on saying goodbye to the learning center to end up being this lengthy and was thus planning to write on my final roles as an intern on this post as well - but that will just have to wait for another day.

Summer is coming to a close. I'm honestly scared for what's coming up next.

Calm, Cool, and Wonderful

August 10, 2010

A little past midnight.  Sitting alone in the quiet apartment in front of the dining table with my work laptop out.  Focusing, brainstorming, scribbling notes - working late into the night for my internship meeting tomorrow.  Soft music playing in the background from Pandora.

Pausing to notice the tranquility that completely surrounds the night.  Feeling the cool air coming in from the slightly open window - the fresh, LA, summer breeze.  This year, we've been lucky that the weather hasn't been scorching.  The heat hasn't been unbearable, and the sun is wonderful as always.

Then it hit me: I love this.  I love working like this to the midst of the night.  This is the highlight of my busy Monday that starts 8 in the morning with a headache from the rowdy, puberty-struck middle schoolers that I teach until late into the afternoon.  The headache and exhaustion last such a long time that when I come home, I need at least a couple of hours to recuperate before dinner.  Then again, I work on my other two internships.  Yes, I have overbooked my summer this year.  But I love it.

Tomorrow, I will return home once again exhausted - a different type of exhaustion, since I won't be seeing the kids but will instead be in a meeting for my internship all day.  I won't be able to spare a couple of hours to recuperate before dinnertime tomorrow, however, since I will come home just in time for the last meal of the day.  Then, a different task will await me - piles and piles of things to grade for my lovely but terrible students.

Yes, it's stressful.  Yes, I have to work throughout the weekend to catch up on my third responsibility this summer - my second internship.  But I love and embrace it.

Summer 2010 - this is exactly what I needed.  Isn't it funny how He always knows?

4th of July Cleaning

I'm having an extremely relaxing 4th of July weekend so far, but that's mostly due to the fact that I got sick on Friday with some weird stomach flu type thing that got me feeling exhausted and dizzy all day and all night for the past three days.

My mom, being the mom that she is, went through this crazy frenzy today, flipping the house up-side-down in an attempt to trash unnecessary items that have been clogging up the place for years now.

I decided to finally relent to her wishes and took on the massive task that I had avoided in years - cleaning out my desk drawers.

This shows how terrible my first drawer looked before the clean-out began   --->

The other drawers were as bad, if not worse.  I don't know how I ever let it get to this point, but I found some interesting memories while exploring through the junk.  I found many movie ticket studs, an old high school schedule, various random memos...once again I thought, "wow, how quickly things change..."

And after about two hours of organizing and throwing out stuff...my desk looked like this:

And the first drawer turned into something more useful and appropriate for my life at this time:

A place for my early morning scramble with make-up!

People are still setting off fireworks right now, and it's making me jump constantly.  I wonder what our security guards are doing right now...they never seem to be there when these things happen (or maybe they're out celebrating themselves...)

88 days, 16 hrs, 29 mins

June 25, 2010

So yesterday, I realized that I had not yet checked my seating arrangements for my flight to London.  Thus, I went to the website for Virgin Airlines and tried various times to log-in to see the details of my booked flight, but for some reason, I could not access it.

A little frustrated and slightly worried, I decided to call the airline - to my surprise, despite the fact that it was like, 1am here, a cheerful British guy picked up on the other line.  He was extremely friendly, and his accent was so cute!!  Apparently, the problem was that I had to insert my first name and both of my middle names on the "First Name" space (which I thought was stupid, but that's beside the point).  Anyway, when the British guy was telling me that, he said: "It's going to be a bit of a squeeze, but that's oH-right!" THAT made my night.  I still giggle thinking about it.  His accent made it so funny!!  I'm going to have one heck of a time if I am already giggling over the British accent once I get to Wales!  

After I was finally able to enter my information successfully, I was pleasantly surprised to see that they are counting down my days for me!  I did not realize that there were still so many days left - almost 90 days!  That's still 3 months away...I feel like it has been forever since summer has started (although I must say that it has gone by a lot quicker than I thought it would), but I'm still so far away from Wales! (I'm not complaining much though - I love, love, love summer in LA.)

Starting from today, I decided to shift my attitude on things.  It's as if a light went off in my head.  No more negativity - I won't even bother thinking about things that will drag me down unnecessarily.  Instead, I'll visualize.  Dream.  Shape my world.  Pray for these dreams.  Actively seek and actively receive.  :)

Hello, summer 2010.  You're proving to be amazing so far.

1984, Summer, and...Wales

June 21, 2010

So I realized that for some unknown reason, my blog (since I put up the new layout) is no longer showing the dates... So I must now get into the habit of writing them manually above every entry.

Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

Bleak House - Charles Dickens

Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

Animal Farm - George Orwell

The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

The Five People You Meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom

I finished Orwell's 1984 today.  I must say, as a Communication major, it struck me as a novel that was a must-read.  Crazy stuff.  I must say the conclusion was kind of confusing and also slightly disappointing - but that must be due to personal bias.  Nonetheless, a powerful novel.  I'm really glad that I picked it up this summer.

So I decided that this summer will be dedicated to ME.  (Well, to a certain extent).  The 30 minutes I spend everyday is not to "prove" to anyone - it's for me.  And by shifting my focus that way, I found that I have more peace than ever.  At least, the most peace that my circumstances at the moment allow me to feel.

^ Penn Abroad Stuff

I received these three booklets in the mail yesterday, and I just glanced through the Green Booklet just now - it has a  ll these useful and cute lists of stuff (including a chart of "What the Americans Say" vs. "What the British Say").  According to this Booklet, the British apparently call "Dessert" "Pudding". Hum.  I don't know how accurate this is or if I'd even attempt to memorize them (I think that personal experience would probably be better), but it's interesting nonetheless! It's definitely got me more excited to prepare for Wales!

Honestly, a part of me feels like summer is a drag.  Maybe it's because I'm working on 2 internships and a job and (honestly) not feeling too fulfilled by any of them right now, but things are looking to be kicking off very soon!  I am enjoying the sunshine and the friends (friends are like wine, SERIOUSLY) - as well as exploring the city that I grew up in as a twenty year old.  That means lots of cafe dates and trying out new things, which I think is very good for me.

Anyway - so getting these pamphlets in the mail about my future adventures to come next semester was a good shift in mind from my summer mentality.  I absolutely cannot wait to be in Europe, although it is very nerve-wracking! 

Accountability

On-Going Summer Projects (I need to keep them track somehow to remind myself):

• Internship #1: Sometime...at night? / Weekends
• Internship #2: Tues & Thurs
• Parttime Job: Mon, Wed, Fri
• Rediscover old loves
• --->Piano: Try to practice at least 30 minutes everyday
• --->DTH: Try to update daily / be persistent.
• Cook more! Explore recipes.
• Work on the Baking Recipe Book.
• Work on finishing up the reading list!
• GRE's!
• Above all: seek Him in all that I do and don't lose focus!!

• Limits on the workload (it'd be easy to get carried away and work forever since both of my internships can be worked from home
• --->Absolutely no working on Sundays.
• --->Try to finish all work before 7pm each day so I'm not stressing over it all night long.

100 Books

So this is BBC's list of "100 Books to Read Before You Die"...

I think this summer will be a great time to buckle down and get to it. Bolded = already read. Italicized = will attempt to finish it before summer 2010 ends.

1 Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen

• Honestly I did not particularly enjoy this book, but I'm planning to give it another try very soon...I find Jane Austen's writing style irritable.

2 The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien

• I could never bring myself to read through this series. I shall attempt again soon...

3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte

• I started on this book, wrote a book analysis on it (without having finished it)...I've always meant to re-read the book in its entirety but have never gotten around to it. I think this will be one of my starting summer books this year.

4 Harry Potter series – JK Rowling

• For my generation, I really think this is a classic series in that we totally "grew up" with the characters in the book. I will forever tell my future kids about waiting every summer for a new book to be released...I'm still kind of sad that it's over.

5 To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee

• One of my favorites. I taught it last summer to a group of high schoolers who totally did not even give the book a try (sigh), but I think some of them got the core message of it. And for that I am happy. It's astonishing how much you can learn from actually teaching the book...it was very interesting to see it from the other side.

6 The Bible

• I've actually read it cover-to-cover, but I definitely was not reading it the way I was supposed to be reading it. I think going through the Bible will always be a persisting lifetime goal.

7 Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte

• I hear that this is a depressing book, but I would like to read it this summer before I leave to the UK in the hopes that I will be able to visit the place that inspired the author when I am abroad.

8 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell

• This book is referenced so much that it's quite a surprise I haven't read it yet...will try this summer.

9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens

• I think this was the first book of Dickens I had ever read (I believe it was in 7th grade?). And I read it probably three or four more times since then. It's kind of one of those books that I feel has been over-read in my life...if such a thing can exist.

11 Little Women – Louisa M Alcott

• I think I finished this in the sixth grade? I kind of want to pick it up again just because I don't remember much from the book, but its thickness deters me...

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy

• I remember being so angry at the end of this novel. I can't remember if I read it in the 11th or 12th grade, but this book made me so depressed that I don't think I can bring myself to pick it up ever again...

13 Catch 22 – Joseph Heller

• Still haven't gotten around to this book!! I shall this summer...

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare

• My face just cringed at the title. One day....

15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulk

18 Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger

• I still can't believe I haven't read this yet...

19 The Time Traveler’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger

• Another book I've been meaning to pick up...

20 Middlemarch – George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell

• Such a charming book. I LOVED this book when I first read it during 8th grade and became super attached to it ever since. I cried like a baby the first time around. I think it'll always remain as one of my favorites.

22 The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald

• I have mixed feelings about this book. Don't know why.

23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens

• I have this love and hate relationship with Dickens where I totally love some of his novels and can't stand others. I hope this one will be of the former.

24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams

27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens

• Totally attempted to read this book; one of my Dickens failures. I'll try again someday..

33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis

• I think I read this as a child but never really fully understood all of its connotations. Will reread this summer.

34 Emma – Jane Austen

• I don't know if I can ever pick up Austen again...

35 Persuasion – Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis

• Same as Chronicles of Narnia

37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini

• Read this last summer because I had to teach it. I cried like a baby, even though I would never admit that to my summer kids. I will never be able to forget my mischievous boys going, "WTF? That's so messed up, Teacher!" and "I HATE ______". What a heartbreaking story...

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Bernieres

39 Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden

• I totally have mixed feelings about this book, too.

40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne

41 Animal Farm – George Orwell

• I need to get to this!!!!!

42 The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown

• Why is this on the list...?

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving

45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery

• I was wayyy too young when I read this...

47 Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy

• Judging from how reading Tess went, I don't know if I can ever pick up a Hardy book again...

48 The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding

• I read this for the first time last summer because I had to teach it, and I am so glad I did. I'm also happy about the way my English class reacted to the book. They were (by far) my favorite class and I was able to (hopefully) imbed some great themes about the human nature from the book into the kids.

50 Atonement – Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi – Yann Martel

52 Dune – Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens

• LOVE LOVE LOVE this book. I have read it probably more than five times in the past few years, and this book has been the center of numerous essays throughout my high school years. There's something so remarkable about the ending that captures me every single time I read it.

58 Brave New World – Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night – Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

• I've totally been hesitant to read this book because it seems heartbreaking. Maybe this summer is the right time...

61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck

• Again, I was forced to read this book because I had to teach it last summer. I think it's such a powerful book.

62 Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov

• I have two copies of the book and totally mixed feelings about it.

63 The Secret History – Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold

• I picked it up in the 10th grade and was like "WTF" and immediately put it down. Since the movie is coming out soon, I think I am going to pick it up this summer.

65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas

• One of my favorites, for sure.

66 On The Road – Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy

• Another Hardy book...

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens

• I attempted. Like 10 plus times. (Not even exaggerating). I just can't bring myself to read it...

72 Dracula – Bram Stoker

• One of my favorites. Is that weird? I found the story meaningful and charming.

73 The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett

• Childhood favorite, anyone?

74 Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses – James Joyce

76 The Inferno – Dante

77 Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal – Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession – AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple – Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web – EB White

• Delightful.

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom

• One of my favorites. I think I want to give it another read this summer..

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks

94 Watership Down – Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare

• I actually read this for the first time in the 12th grade, and I thoroughly enjoyed it - even though I totally thought I would hate it...

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

• My ultimate favorite. If someone asks what my favorite book is, this is always the answer. I want to re-read it someday..

28/100. That's kind of bad.

Here's the list for this summer:

Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

Bleak House - Charles Dickens

Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

Animal Farm - George Orwell

The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

The Five People You Meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom

Hopefully this little blog post will keep me accountable :)