It seemed that as wonderful as this Spring semester of 2010 has been, a lot of things in my life were cluttered, or left undone; many things left unsaid that needed to be said, many complications that I just brushed off casually.
Well, all these things are very unlike me - I am usually the type of person that needs to see the end of things (I have a very hard time 'letting go' but once I 'let go' it's over as over can be) - and the fact that I had so many things not figured out was lurking in the back of my mind the entire semester, bothering me on those restless nights after an incredibly busy day.
So I took this week-long break to relax under the beautiful sun in the Pacific (the better coast) and contemplated. A lot.
Everything ranging from what I fail in doing in certain situations to all the unanswered calls and emails were taken care of; I also took a break from Digsby and my phone (for the most part) in order to sort uneasy feelings about friendships and relationships that had emerged in the last few weeks.
I always considered myself to be an open person, open to sharing about my emotions and what-not with friends and family. But I guess everyone has their share of secrets, and I am still largely grappling with trust issues.
I always thought it was because I could not trust people - and that was, in itself, the only issue.
But now I think that there is a bigger issue at hand - the root of this trust issue is not merely a trust issue, but a control thing.
On the surface, I am really not the control freak - and I am very far from being a perfectionist. That is, in group projects and in my own work (whether it be school work or a piano piece or baking), I am definitely not the person who needs 100% perfection to be pleased. But I guess internally, on a different level, I do have major control issues.
In my own mind, everything needs to be clear - whether it be relationships, friends, or the direction my career is going toward. I allocate certain degrees of motivation to each category that I am working on; that's where my "all-or-nothing" mentality takes its root.
Therefore, when things were left cluttered in my mind - with things going out of my control - with relationships emerging that I had not allocated certain levels of my attention and obligations that I half-heartedly engaged in, I was essentially going crazy.
In looking over all these thoughts, however, and realizing that I have this major control issue, I began to see the extent of my lack of trust in God.
Letting things be and "going with the flow" is one thing; realizing that the more I try to retain control of my life, I am actually causing it to slip away from my fingers is another.
Identifying this about myself is probably the best thing that has happened during this short one-week break. Now is the time for some extended reflections and prayer..
