Thoughts thoughts thoughts

February 26, 2011

Gasp.

New post?

I think I'm returning this blog to what it was before I went abroad - a place for lots of venting and frustration in the midst of Penn's craziness.

I'm really sad that I never got around to updating the rest of my study abroad craziness... BUT!  I'm returning to LA this coming Friday for Spring Break and there is hope that I will (finally) get around to posting pictures and stories from abroad, although they'd most likely be in an abridged version.

I can't remember why I opened my blog (and this blogpost) right now, but excuse the confused jumble of thoughts that might come out from reading the rest of this post.

I think this semester has confirmed just how quickly our lives can change within a matter of days hours  minutes seconds.  We might be happy and content one second, only to be completely shattered the next by a phone call, an email, or someone walking in through the door.  The opposite is also true, of course (so as to not make this a super emo post).

Friendships have been broken, mended, and broken again.  Same mistakes have occurred, even after vowing not to repeat.  There have been lots of happiness and new developments on a variety of levels.  My return to Penn was definitely not a smooth ride thus far.

It's surprising how quickly we can adapt to change.  Recalling back to last year around this time, I realized that so much has changed - within myself, in my relationships with others, in my walk with God.  And once again, I'm realizing that what really matters is perspective.

There was a moment last week when I thought quite depressingly about how quickly things have changed, and how we virtually have no control over what's going to happen to us next - then I realized that I could really turn that around and instead be super excited over what God has in store for me in the next few weeks days hours minutes seconds.  I'll never know when He chooses to bring a complete random stranger in my life, only to have that person develop fully into someone I appreciate and love.

And He remains so everlasting, my constant, my rock, my redeemer.

Once again, I'm learning that I can only hold onto Him in this ever-changing world.

Okay. Fail.

January 20, 2011

Yes, I totally failed at updating my blog.  I hope to at least have some journey pictures/stories up in the next few weeks, but with the busy-ness of Penn kicking in, it seems highly unlikely.

Oh Penn. How is it that I'm busier here in the first 2 weeks of classes that I *ever* was in Cardiff?

I forgot that the last week of all-nighters I pulled when I was in Cardiff for essays = every week at Penn.

The workload is back-breaking, and I already had two emotional breakdowns.  Classes started on January 12th.  It's been 8. days.  Someone please pray for me.

Of course, God never fails to set me straight:

"May all your expectations be frustrated
May all your plans be thwarted
May all your desires be withered into nothingness
that you may experience the powerlessness
and poverty of a child
and sing and dance
in the love of God
who IS
the Father
Son
and Spirit"
- http://www.ragamuffinsoul.com/2011/01/prayer/

Amen.  Taken from a blog that I have followed for a while now.  Sometimes, He strips everything away from us so that we can run back to Him to realize that HIS grace and HIS love are the ONLY THINGS that satisfy in this highly unpredictable world.

Days 35-39: Budgeting, Studies, Korean Food, & London Visits Cardiff :)

Days 35&36 (Monday, October 25, 2010 & Tuesday, October 26, 2010):


This Monday was a typical Monday - two lectures and hall group meeting! I can't remember what we did at hall groups.  I started budgeting this week after realizing how ridiculous my blind spending had become.  I was literally draining away all the money I had saved over the summer and during the school year from working nonstop. I started writing down everything I spent and keeping track of where the money was going - it really helped me to be conscience of my spending.

 On Tuesday, I attempted to actually get some work done (surprise!) by going to Starbucks with Alisha.  I had such difficulty focusing that I think I read only about 2 pages of my article.  It really didn't help that I had brought my laptop with me either.  On a side note, I really love that the Starbucks here as a more of a 'cafe' feel to it since it has real cups!  I don't understand why the Starbucks's in America don't have that system - after all, Starbucks is American.  Also, the McDonald's here is so much nicer.  It looks so fancy inside, and the workers wear these super formal skirts and everything.  There's a more elegant feel to it, which is strange.  A McDonald's I went to in London even had digitally streaming news headlines on the side; another one I went to in Paris even served fancy macaroons.  I don't understand why our McDonalds' are so broken down and often really uninviting...

I also bought a travel mug from Starbucks so I could make coffee from home to bring along to my classes (yes, I'm one of those people who live on coffee).

Anyway, I have written on my notebook that Alisha and I came back from Starbucks to cook spicy Korean noodles that I bought from the Cardiff Japanese and Korean Market!  It was her first time having Korean food, and she absolutely loves it now :) Yay for introducing new people to the cuisine!

Days 37 & 38 (Wednesday, October 27, 2010 & Thursday, October 28, 2010):


On Wednesday, I had my debriefing for my previously mentioned seminar group presentation; we got a '65' on the score (which means a D in the American system but is actually equivalent to like a B+ here...), which wasn't bad (but of course I would have liked an A).  Honestly, I don't understand why they work on such low percentages, but I guess it means there is always room for improvement.  I knew that the system was different here, but my heart still sank when I saw the '65' - at home, my heart would sink at like an '80'!

Afterwards, I went to the CU International Cafe, which is always a nice place to grab lunch and meet people from all around the world (mainly Malaysia...).  I headed to the Korean market again this time around to grab some more stuff; I bought some instant rice packets, gochujang (spicy sauce), sesame oil and some dried seaweed.  Mixed together with rice, this sauce is heavenly - I discovered this quick fix during my freshman year at Penn, and it has saved me once again at Cardiff!  So simple, yet so heavenly.  I also bought stuff for my Korean cook-out that happened on Thursday (more on that very shortly)!

I ended up leaving my newly bought traveling mug at the Chaplaincy after International Cafe (typical)...

I came back to my room and attempted (very hard) to do some work, which...failed. I went to CU that night, which was (probably) a sermon and hang-out (can't remember)...

I ended up marinating the meat (Bulgogi) for the day after at like 2 in the morning, but that went all fine. :)

On Thursday, I had one seminar and then invited some CCCC people over for Korean food before our meeting later that night!

The dinner had three components: 1) Kimchi-Jun (Kimchi Pancakes), which are really easy to make, 2) Spicy Sticky Noodles (Jjol-Myun) and 3) Marinated Beef (Bulgogi)!  As a bonus, we had crepes for dessert (which has nothing to do with Korean food, but it was still fun).  Alisha and I were super busy running back and forth - thank God I had her to help me :)

Elmira dropped by with a suitcase filled with a spare blanket - I needed it for friends who were coming over for the weekend from London!

In the midst of our cooking and eating, we had a fire alarm - that really sucked since we had guests over. I felt really bad :\ , but it wasn't anything anyone could foresee.  We were running late to the CCCC fellowship meeting, so Alisha had to do the leftover dishes. :( I felt really bad but thankful at the same time!

I was able to retrieve the mug that I had left at the Chaplaincy on Wednesday at this time - it was really convenient since CCCC is also in the Chaplaincy. :)

Day 39 (Friday, October 29, 2010):

My Friday started out extremely early with morning prayer at the Chaplaincy with the CU.  I went with Jordan, who lives in the house next to me.  It was such a blessing.  Morning prayer definitely has a different power to it - it's amazing how God moves your heart when you get up in the morning to just praise him.  We prayed for people around us to come to know God, for ourselves, and for other issues at hand.  It was just awesome; I came out of it feeling completely renewed and refreshed.  I love, love morning prayer, but I really don't do it enough.

Afterwards, I went to my 9 o'clock lecture and my seminar immediately following it; I was excited because I had some friends from Penn visiting over the weekend!

It was kind of ridiculous because all three of them arrived at three different times even though they were all leaving from the same place!! We're all absolutely nuts. :)  I picked Jen up first immediately after class; we had about an hour to kill before Alphonse arrived, so we headed to the Welsh National Museum.  This was the first time that I went to the National Museum, and it was pretty cool.  Alphonse came soon after; we all headed to my room from the SU to drop off their stuff.

I was housing three people over the weekend in my tiny room:

Yeah.  That's pretty much all the space I have!  It's small and cozy for one person, but to house three people it was kind of crammed.  Jen ended up sleeping on the floor while the two guys slept on my bed - they (at least one of them) were quite resistant to the idea at first but relented when they saw the situation.

We headed to the Woodville Pub to grab lunch - they were mesmerized by the cheap meal deal it has (£4.99 for a burger+'chips' +beer) since London is so expensive!

We did manage to take some really nice pictures once the rain cleared up:

Photo Credits to Jen

So pretty. Photo Credits to Jen

We hung around Town for a while and did a little bit of shopping.  Earlier in the day, the zippers in my boots had broken, so I ended up buying new boots - which was devastating to my budget since I had started keeping track.  Boots are such a necessity in this weather though, and I am really glad I got them.

We then came back onto campus to the Taf, which is a pub at the SU.  We got a couple of drinks (I think I got dessert) and just hung around since we were waiting for Christian to come.  Christian was arriving really late (at around 2am), so we had lots of time to kill!  We decided to go to Tesco's to grab some stuff - on the way there, we ran into a couple of people from my hall group who were playing hide-and-seek (haha).  We came back extremely exhausted but still had to wait for Christian to come.

At around 1:30am, we trekked across the city to pick-up Christian from City Centre; afterwards, we all came and pretty much crashed.  I didn't know until the next morning, but I ended up destroying my camera in the rainy walk to pick-up Christian... :(

More on their visit on another entry!

Oh and an update on my Bucket List:

I decided that I want to visit all the 50 states!  Lots of people have been asking me about the States since I've been here, and I always feel kind of sad when I tell them that I really don't know much about the other states since I haven't been to most of them!  Thus, I shall make it a point to visit every single state in the US...

Elisa's Bucket List (so far) - in no particular order
Last Updated 11/30/2010

1.   Fall in love & never, ever let go.

2.   Go to an H.O.T. concert

3.   Go on a short-term mission

4.   Go skydiving

5.   Hike the Half-Dome

6.   Fish a shark

7.   Learn to swim

8.   Go swimming with dolphins

9.   Watch a solar eclipse with someone special

10.                 Go on a road trip

11.                 Donate to a university in the form of a scholarship

12.                 Open a bakery

13.                 Travel around Europe

14.                 Visit a pyramid

15.                 Go to the Great Wall of China

16.                 Have children

17.                 Cook a Thanksgiving meal (from start to finish by myself)

18.                 Finish the BBC 100 book list

19.                 Be in a musical

20.                 Play the piano at a church

21.                 Study abroad

22.                 Pet a baby tiger

23.                 Have a library in home

24.                 Visit the 50 States (layovers don't count): 

AL, AK, AZ, AR, CA, CO, CT, DE, FL, GA, HI, ID, IL, IN, IA, KS, KY, LA, ME, MD, MA, MI,
MN, MS, MO, MT, NE, NV, NH, NJ, NM, NY, NC, ND, OH, OK, OR, PA, RI, SC, SD, TN,
TX, UT, VT, VA, WA, WV, WI, WY

Diversion #3: BUT GOD.

November 16, 2010


"I Can Only Imagine" - Mercy Me

Sorry if you were expecting an entry about my adventures abroad, but I've been feeling extremely restless lately and just really needed to blog about this today.

This song is so powerful and so beautiful - it sets me right back to what matters the most, the beauty of the Cross and how absolutely amazing it would be when I finally come face-to-face with HIM.

It's always absolutely so amazing when God intervenes. I was walking back from a pleasant dinner with some friends today when God intervened. I had a rough day but a great dinner with friends - but the cold 30-minute walk back to my room got me down again, worried about my upcoming deadlines with papers and just annoyed with small things in life. A phrase kept popping up over and over again in my mind: "But God. But God. But God..."

Now that may sound really strange, but it comes from Ephesians 2:4-6: "But God, who is rich in mercy, out of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with him, and made us sit with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus..."

These verses come after Apostle Paul paints a gloomy picture of how we were dead in our sins, following the ways of the world and our sinful nature (Ephesians 2:1-3).  BUT GOD. This is important because... BUT GOD intervenes when we feel like we suck at life. He raises us up with Christ Jesus.  He breathes into us LIFE that is irreplaceable and indescribable to the world.

He did it when I first believed. And He does it over and over again. BUT GOD. Because of His love and His grace, He intervenes even when I collapse over and over again in my trespasses. He sits me up in the throne next to Jesus. He holds my hand and calms me down. He puts in me a song like "I Can Only Imagine" to remind me of how merciful He is and what I am living for.

Once again, I'm really sorry if you were expecting an update since I haven't in so long. You can just ignore this post...or...actually if you're still reading that means you made it this far and clearly haven't ignored it. If you don't know who He is yet - just give the song a listen. Ask me about it if you haven't. And know this: you know that empty feeling you get at the end of the day that you know can't be filled by love, friendship, good grades, good job, money, etcetc? HE is the ONLY thing that can satisfy. We were made to know His glory and His love for us.

:)

Hopefully, I'll be able to update soon with day 28 soon!

Days 21-25: A week full of food, realizations, cultures...

October 28, 2010


Day 21 (Monday, October 11, 2010):


And the second week of classes begin! I had a lecture from 9am-11am and then another lecture from 2pm-5pm. (Yay for 3 hour lectures...)  My second lecture always has a screening for the last hour or so, but it almost always goes over the 5pm frame, so being the good student that I am, I've been leaving early! On this particular day, I had an arrangement to meet with my International Exchange partner; I had missed the actual International Interchange night because I decided to something else. I contacted my partner in advance and we scheduled to meet up with one another on this day instead!

The International Interchange event is basically something that the International Society here at Cardiff arranged for Internationals to get to know one another. Prior to the event, we were asked to fill out a form online indicating which languages we are fluent in and which languages we would like to learn. I put down that I speak English and Korean natively and wanted to learn Spanish (I really would have liked to practice the Spanish that I haven't practiced since high school). Our partners were emailed to us the night before the event - I was matched up with a Korean student and a Chinese student and sadly, no Spanish-speaker. :(

Anyway, so I met up with my Korean buddy at City Centre where we headed to Starbucks to chat! She is a postgraduate student studying business. She was really fascinated to hear about the fact that I was a Korean raised in America (since she was born & raised in Korea). We talked about our families, the Korean culture, what it means to be a 1.5 generation Korean living in Los Angeles, the differences between London and Cardiff...and it was really nice. I think she felt a different kinship just to meet another Korean so far away from home (and the size of Koreans here is...really small).

Day 22 (Tuesday, October 12, 2010):


I ended up missing my first lecture for my Media & Gender module this day (one of many to come). I had a massive headache and just could not get up! I did make it to my first Tele-fictions seminar, which was lovely. I met up with Alana at the SU for lunch...and I can't really remember what I did the rest of the day, but in the afternoon I met with my Study Abroad girls to go to dinner!

We went to Wagamama, a Japanese noodle chain restaurant. I ended up ordering some sort of fried rice with a bunch of different things in it; others got noodles. Everyone seemed to really enjoy their meal. I noticed that there were some differences between a British-fusion Japanese noodle restaurant and what you'd find in America. It was definitely less authentic here in the UK than in the US - they had fried soba noodles, which I had never seen! I was always under the impression that soba was meant to be eaten not fried, but I might be wrong.

Yummy Asian Food!

A really awesome pat of the meal was that they gave cups of green tea for free with every meal order! This free deal helped me save my money and not order Sake...hehe.

We ended up going to this Crepe place (I think they called it a Pancake House or something) for dessert. We got into this awful habit of always having dessert after dinner - BAD for the wallet and BAD for the health! But oh-so-good for the taste bud...

I ended up getting a nutella and banana crepe while the rest of the girls got some good Welsh ice cream.

Day 23 (Wednesday, October 13, 2010):

 I was supposed to go to the Medieval Village with Alisha and Alana on Wednesday but that ended up being canceled because the girls had some problem with their schedule. I ended up meeting Joanna (a British Asian yay!) at the Woodville Pub for dinner. At 7pm, I went to the CU meeting at Julian Hodge. The CU had a "fayre" (fair) with all the different ministries it supports! There were some really cool outreach projects, and once again, I felt that the Christian fellowships at Penn should really get a move on with this whole outreach thing. I ended up signing up for  Revive, which is this really great ministry that works with churches in the Valleys of Wales where there is extreme poverty and high unemployment.  I am not exactly sure if I'd be actually be able to do Revive since I'm only here for 3 months, but I really would have loved to get more involved if I had been an actual student here at Cardiff.

When I was at CU, I got a call from Elmira (one of the study abroad girls from America) who felt really sick after her volleyball practice and wanted to rest at our place (since Talybont is so close to where all the sport people practice). I directed her to my flatmate Alisha who let her in - I came home to find them having a cuddly chat with some tea. Elmira ended up sleeping over and (from what I can remember), all three of us had some interesting chats, which is always lovely.

Day 24 (Thursday, October 14, 2010):

I had my first Writing with Light seminar this day, where I was utterly surprised to find that we had not needed to do the readings. In fact, the readings did not even come up! This seminar was more like a supplementary lecture where we were able to put to practice what we learned earlier in the week. 

I was supposed to meet up with a British friend that I made, but that didn't work out, so...I really can't remember what I did (probably came home and napped).

At 6pm, the CCCC English Fellowship had a "welcome party" at the Chaplaincy - oddly enough, this reminded me of RCF back home. The main difference was that people here were much more willing to serve each other (yeah, we really need to work on that), but I hear that RCF has gone through some magnificent changes in this semester alone, which I am looking forward to joining when I get back in the Spring. GOD IS GOOD. ALL THE TIME. :)

It was also interesting to essentially become a freshman all over again. Since sophomore year in RCF, we were being trained to be an upperclassman so in welcome events like this, we were expected to bring food, readiness to be friendly (haha) and prepare a skit usually. It was nice to just observe and receive (that sounds really selfish...haha). I kept recalling our Ice Cream Social for the freshmen last year...

Another main difference! People in the States are more concerned with "classes", as in Class of 2012, 2013, and so on. People here don't really associate themselves with their graduating classes (not at all actually). So there is less of emphasis on "class unity" as we stress so much at Penn (and in RCF). I think a part of this has to do with the fact that people here have a great emphasis on their "courses" since it is much more rigid than our "majors and minors" system and depending on their course, the amount of time before graduation differs. It's a different system, but I do miss all the class-specific activities Penn would sponsor (I kept getting emails for Amy Gutman's 2012 Halloween Party and was massively jealous even though I usually never go to those events).  I also miss using the words "Freshmen", "Sophomore", "Junior", and "Senior" - sometimes these words slip out of my mouth, and people here look at me like I'm crazy!

Day 25 (Friday, October 15, 2010):

I have a 9 o'clock lecture in the morning on Friday (yuck...) but it's Tele-fictions, which is one of the more interesting modules so it makes it tiny bit easier to wake up in the morning. I was supposed to go to morning prayer at 8 in the morning, but that did not happen because I woke up with a massive headache.  I was proud to have made it to the 9 o'clock lecture, since I tend to miss class a lot in general (I can't even count how many I didn't go to at Penn last semester). 

After my lecture, I had a seminar for my Media, Racism and Conflict module, which was good. This class is looking to be very structured and such - here, we signed up to form groups for student-led seminars. I ended up being assigned in the first group to present (more on that on Day 32, a week from October 15th)!

I ate lunch at the Woodville Pub with Alisha and Alana - Alana and I ended up getting dessert (SUCH a bad habit). We got their Belgium Waffle which is so. darn. good. 

I ended up going to the Big Tesco's afterwards to buy some stuff for my WEEKEND TRIP which was to...BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND!! More on that on next update...

Sorry for this text-heavy, little-picture update...but I promise the next update will have lots of pictures from Ireland!

Days 18-20: Weekend here in Cardiff

October 22, 2010

SO BEHIND.

Day 18 (Friday, October 8, 2010):


I had my first seminar on this day for the module Media, Racism and Conflict - I actually like the system here better regarding seminars. Seminars are small groups the equivalent of "recitations" (as we call it at Penn) or "discussions" (as other US Colleges call it). The biggest difference is that here in Cardiff (I'm not sure about the entire UK), seminars are actually led by the "lecturers" (professors) that teach the "module" (classes).  In the States, recitations/discussions are led by TA's (Teacher Assistants) who are Graduate students. I like this system so much better, since in the States, in order for a professor to know your name, you need to actively go find them during their office hours.  Also, this forces you to make sure you have done the reading since you should be actively participating all the time during the seminar.

After classes, I had a little pub date with the usual Study Abroad group girls - and then I decided to go out with Alana (one of the other Americans) and her flatmates. It was quite fun to dress up and get ready with friends (since I hadn't done this since the end of Spring semester at Penn). We ended up just going to the Student Union where a party was happening; I had fun but it got me missing Penn and APO unofficials...a lot.

Day 19 (Saturday, October 9, 2010):


Dee Dee (a new friend from Hong Kong!) and I headed to the marketplace that opens every Saturday in Cardiff to check out the food and to hang out! It resembled the farmer's market, but it was quite small.

Lots of people checking out the different booths

I ended up buying lunch from this place:

Welsh Mountain Meat!

I'm not even exactly sure what Welsh Mountain Meat is supposed to be, but the burger was really yummy!

I love, love, love meat that tastes really juicy not because it's been seasoned with a million different spices, but because it's fresh and natural.

Afterwards, we were supposed to go to the Cardiff Bay, but we went to three different bus stations and we STILL weren't able to catch the bus! Apparently, there was an event going on at the Millennium Centre (or Millennium Stadium, can't remember which one it was...) and therefore the bus routes were all messed up. Instead we ended up going shopping!

Town was bustling with people:

I ended up buying a casual dress and a short-sleeve cardigan! Oh, and this is where I ended up buying Caerddyd Dragonwhales (that I mentioned in this entry). Here is a recent picture of us, hehe:

I cuddle with him every night! He looks so goofy, I love it.

After shopping, I headed to the SU for the "welcoming party" for CCCC, the Cardiff Chinese Christian Church.  I know, I know...all of you at Penn are thinking: whattttt? It's kind of weird that I ended up joining a Chinese church all the way here in Wales, but I really feel that they have a tight-knit community that seems fitting since I'll only be here for such a short while.

The welcoming party was conducted in both Cantonese and English - I had no idea what to expect at first, but I think they were able to pull it off well. The party consisted of some ice breaker type games, dinner, mingling, introductory videos, a sermon, and small groups. To be honest, I was surprised that there were quite a few people who were not Christian but checking out a church event. I don't know if they were there because of free food or because they wanted to mingle with people from the same area, but it must be a blessing to have them just be exposed to the Gospel. I think Christian fellowships back at Penn are so internally focused whilst I have found out that the CU here is much more externally focused. I think I am learning valuable lessons from here - of course it is important for us to grow spiritually during our four years in university, but I think it is equally important to reach out to the communities surrounding us. I mean, Philadelphia is such a broken city and in every corner, we can find a need.

I guess that is why I joined APO, a community service fraternity, and while APO does reach out with soup kitchens and other events in Philly (and as much as I love APO), it isn't a Christian-based organization. The gospel is SO freeing and magnificent; I think God is really teaching me through my time for a new stage in my walk with Him. I think it's time to step out of my inner shell and be more active in kingdom-building.

Day 20 (Sunday, October 10, 2010):


An overload of updates! I thought I might as well finish up the weekend. On Sunday, I checked out another church - Mackintosh Church on (appropriately) Mackintosh Road. The church was very small and filled with really friendly elderly individuals. They were really welcoming and embracing. I enjoyed a cup of coffee and some biscuits before the sermon. The sermon was about defeating the monsters in our lives, just like David and Goliath.

I got lucky this day because it was the day of student lunch! Basically, a family from Mack Church hosts a student lunch every month. Thus, after service, a bunch of us headed over to a family's home down the street from the church where we were fed with amazing food. I mean, starting from appetizers to dessert it was amazing! I was really able to feel the dedication and love that went into this meal.

From my personal experience in the short time that I have been here (omg, a MONTH has passed by already - since I'm writing this entry on the 22nd of October...), the Christian community really seems to be willing to serve one another. It's really beautiful because I think this is an area that we really need to work on at Penn. I am certain that churches here have their own weaknesses as well, but (like I wrote earlier) I am realizing and learning so much from Cardiff.

Anyway, after lunch, I met up with my Study Abroad girls to plan for our weekend trips! We ended up not planning and going out for lunch instead (I just got a drink since I had already eaten). We then roamed around Centre longer, shopping (again). We ended up going back to Uni Hall (one of the student residences here) and cooking Mexican food! It was delicious, despite some initial problems with avocado:

hello burrito!

It was a taste of home. I loved it.

Dear time, please slow down...

N O | C O N T R O L

September 21, 2010

Ever so often, I look back upon my past entries on this blog. It helps me to refocus - to see how far I've come.

I came across this particular entry which made me laugh.

Isn't it really awesome when you think that you have something completely figured out only to have life throw you something completely different?

I wrote that particular entry nearing the end of spring break, thinking that I had regained the control I so desperately sought. By the end of the semester, the little control that I had over the situation was completely lost and I was at His hands, crying out for mercy again.

I love it when I try to trick God and myself into believing something only to have Him stop and shake His head at me.

Ironically, right now I am in the complete opposite situation as that blog entry. I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen during my time abroad in Wales. I don't know how my first day is going to turn out, the characteristics of my flatmates, my class schedule, where the shopping market is, how I am going to eat, what the campus looks like. I have been extremely worried and anxious the past week rather than excited. But now that I'm reflecting on everything that happened in the past two years at Penn, I can't wait to see what God in store for me in Wales. May new relationships flourish, new sights seen, and new knowledge gained! :)

I am so proud of myself that I was able to reduce my luggage to just barely this:

Yay for pink luggages!

Isn't that ridiculous? Compared to what I brought to Penn during my freshman year, this is nothing! I don't know how I am going to survive without 4-other-suitcases worth of stuff in the 3 months I'll be at Wales. I just hope I won't have an extra luggage to bring back home when I am done!

The Fantastic Four, Erasers, Chaos, and a Little Bit of Faith

August 31, 2010

A quick entry here before I go to bed...

Today was a struggle for me at work - two of the teachers at the Learning Center were absent, so the rest of us all had to squeeze as many kids as we can into our classrooms.  I ended up having to "adopt" 4th and 5th graders into my middle school classroom, and it was an absolute chaos.  The most notorious four students in the entire Learning Center were placed together in my classroom (the "Fantastic Four" as my sister calls them), and I almost broke down and cried at how terrible they were.

The entire day was filled with "Teacher! He said that #($@#*#JDSF" and "TEACHER! I need help!" and "TEACHER! He keeps on pushing me!" and "TEACHER! He's not giving me the eraser!" and "Can I go to the bathroom?" and "How come he gets a star and I don't?" and...oh my, I can go on forever.

Needless to say, I was exhausted from dealing with 20-some 3rd-8th graders all in the same classroom, and by lunch I was in such a crabby mood that I just wanted to put my head down and get away.

In the midst of all this, a sweet moment ensued.

One of our "Fantastic Four" threw an eraser across the room at another student, who then went on to blame another member of the "Fantastic Four" (but not the actual culprit). Trouble followed as the wrongly accused student bursted out in anger and frustration while everyone called him a liar. He was already off his seat, screaming at everyone and swearing on "his life" and "God" and everything else he can think of to defend himself.  I understood where the other kids came from, however; this particular student was usually the one behind this nonsense of throwing objects at other students. The situation was quickly getting out of hand, and I pulled the wrongly accused student away from the rest of them in an attempt to calm him down.

I told him, "I trust you. I believe you when you said you didn't throw the eraser at him."
He answered, a bit calmer, "But _______ said that no one believes me except the teacher."
I told him, "I believe you. And God believes you, if you are telling the truth. Isn't that all that matters?"
He looked at me for a moment, then looked down, and nodded. Then he silently went back to work.

This little scene touched me so much.  Isn't it wonderful how amazing our God is and how true his justice is? I hope to apply the advice that I told the student in my own life when I feel like I've been wronged.  Our Heavenly Father always knows the truth, as He can see our inner heart motives...and isn't that what matters?  No need to justify and defend myself all the time...

I am learning so much from these kids, even though on days like these when all I want to do is just quit and walk out.  I pray each day that I can be a little more patient, a little more loving, and a little more of a reflection of God for these little individuals who still need a lot of guidance. :)

A Good Reminder

August 7, 2010

I came across this the other day and had meant to repost it for a while now, but it wasn't until today that I finally got around to doing it.

TEN THINGS GOD WON’T ASK ON THAT DAY.

1…. God won’t ask what kind of car you drove. He’ll ask how many people you
 drove who didn’t have transportation..

2…. God won’t ask the square footage of your house, He’ll ask how many people 
you welcomed into your home.

3…. God won’t ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He’ll ask how many you helped to clothe.

4…. God won’t ask what your highest salary was. He’ll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

5…. God won’t ask what your job title was. He’ll ask if you performed your 
job to the best of your ability.

6…. God won’t ask how many friends you had. He’ll ask how many people to
 whom you were a friend.

7…. God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived, He’ll ask how you treated your neighbors.

8…. God won’t ask about the color of your skin, He’ll ask about the content 
of your character.

9…. God won’t ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation. He’ll lovingly 
take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.

10…. God won’t have to ask how many people you forwarded this to, He already knows your decision.

Obviously, I'm not in an email kind of situation right now and therefore not in the position to "forward" this message, but I just wanted to keep it here, in my own little space, in case I needed the reminder.

Dream

July 20, 2010

http://www.ragamuffinsoul.com/2010/07/dreams-gaussian-blur-and-prepubescent-boys/

I really needed this today, especially after a rather difficult spiritual conversation with a friend just two hours ago.

Books and Epiphanies

Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

Bleak House - Charles Dickens

Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

Animal Farm - George Orwell

The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

The Five People You Meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom

Crossing off another one from the summer reading list.

I really, really, did not like The Time Traveler's Wife - I finished the book in less than a day, and I was so upset about the book that I vented to my sister for about half a day afterwards.  Ugh.  Unfortunately (or fortunately), I did not have Internet for about 4 more days after my post-reading venting session that I became exhausted and will not be dedicating this blog post to listing reasons on why I didn't like the book.

I'll just say a few words on it: there was too much unnecessary sex, and the characters were completely flat.  They didn't develop at all throughout the novel!  There was nothing to explore.  Yeah, the ending was "sad" - but not the type of sadness that deeply entrenches you for days onwards, but it seemed like the sadness was completely shallow.  The plot was very interesting, I'd give the author that.  It definitely put a new twist to the concept of time travel but ugh, the characters were so boring...

ANYWAY.

I had an epiphany the other day.

It's an epiphany that repeats itself over and over again, but every single time, it's just so fulfilling and overwhelming that it can be given the heavy title of an epiphany each time.

I was praying the other night and felt so...complete.  It's something that is repeated over and over again in those sermons, taught to us over and over again - but it is so true.  Only God can fulfill that emptiness that all of us feel at the end of the day.  Not love.  Not friends.  Not family.  Only Christ.  It's so wonderful to be completely satisfied, calm and at ease.  In those moments, when I feel nothing else around me except for God, with no distractions, no worries about Internships and what-not, no stressing over relationships - that's when I feel so overwhelmed and blessed by His presence that I want nothing more but to stay there forever, with Him alone.

And I thought, this is what Heaven must be.

100% satisfaction, just worshipping Him for who He is.  I think I figured it out.  People repeat this phrase a lot too, but I don't think I fully grasped the concept of it until very recently: God is love.  God is 100% pure love.  And that is why God alone is enough to satisfy ALL of our needs.  Bathed with His presence, I feel love surrounding me to a degree that everything else in the world seems so small.

He is jealous for me

Loves like a hurricane

I am a tree

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. 

When all of a sudden

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, 

And I realize just how beautiful You are, 

And how great Your affections are for me.

- "Oh, How He Loves Us" by the David Crowder Band

This song's been on repeat on my iTunes the past week, and the bolded phrase strikes me every single time.  It so beautifully captures the "epiphany" that I feel every time I surround myself completely to God, one-on-one.

Honestly, I suck.  A lot.  In so many ways.  But He is more than enough.

Long Overdue

I'm back.

And as usual, my lifestyle in LA has already begun to sweep away the life I had begun used to at Penn. Apparently, LA cures everything. As soon as I stepped into the sunshine out from the airport and looked outside to see such green grass and the sway of palm trees, I knew that I was not going to be fine, but was already fine.

The disappointment of an academic shortcoming, the frustration of particular friendships, the sadness of the goodbyes - everything seemed so far away. Well, that is partly due to the fact that 3000 miles away is really far away, but I really am starting to think that being home, being in this wonderful city puts a magical shield around me. The soft breeze and the wonderful sun surround me, hugging me - almost like how nature interacts with those dreamy princesses in Disney movies.

Okay, that sounded totally corny.

But seriously. Los Angeles. The city of Angels. I LOVE my city. When I am walking down the street, with huge sunglasses on and feeling the warmth of the sun and the people, I feel as if it is a very small representation of God's love for me. It surrounds me completely - it's in the atmosphere, the air, the aura - it's the sun, the warmth of the Pacific Ocean, the soft breeze, the palm trees, the smile of the stranger on the street, the art of the musicians and producers sitting next to me at Barnes & Noble, the splash of the fountain as I make my way home.

I really needed this after such a busy and crazy semester. I really needed this before heading off to the other side of the world next semester.

God knows what's best.

God knows...

mercy

I feel like I am back to Square One.

All the guilt, pain and craziness that I had to deal with two years ago are coming back again.

Why do I continue to fail, over and over again?

Why does He love me unconditionally, over and over again, even when I fall continuously?

I guess it is where my weakness lies that He completely fills me. And I know that although it might be difficult to return to Him, He will always be there waiting for me with open arms full of love.

Thinking back...

In the onset of Easter having been today (technically yesterday), I have been thinking lately a lot of how grateful I am for all that God has provided for me this semester.

Since I have such a short-term memory and I will forget so many things if I do not write it down, here I go, with a random list of things I am so blessed with.

• Being at Penn, as much as I used to hate it. It has granted me so many opportunities previously unheard of in my life.
  
• The "group" that has developed in my life that greatly represents the role Acadeca used to serve in high school.
• The very fact that I was able to walk into a church and celebrate Easter freely.
• Midnight walks with friends.
• Spontaneous moments in the middle of the night (smoothies, anyone? Pumpkins?)
• Texts in the middle of the day/night that make me laugh. like crazy.
• Late-night chats with various. :)
• ^Having someone that yells at me for having friends over late ("Gosh I feel like your dad or something") =)
  
• Sharing music. And lots of laughter.
• Being able to organize events like the Big/Little Tie-Dye. Such a blessing to have such an opportunity.
• Being able to write colorful e-mails to send to the APO listserv ;)
• Being able to double major in completely different fields.
• Having people around the clock to talk to, to study with.
• Coffee breaks <3 with lovelies.
• APO Fambam, because they changed literally everything this semester for me.
• Ridiculously long conversations on Facebook photos/statuses that keep me up late at night, procrastinating, but provide the smiles that are really needed sometimes.

And the list probably can go on forever. Life is really filled with the small things that make you smile :) And I really hope to strive to appreciate every single moment God provides in my life.

Thankful.

There are so many things to be thankful for, even when I'm at my worst.

I am realizing that more and more this semester - more like God is teaching me that more and more.

The past few days - the first few days since Spring Break - have been really odd for some reason. They have been characterized by various panic attacks as I obsessed over a paper and a midterm coming up on the same day; a friendly reminder that I was back at Penn, not at home where I had, for a week, pretended that responsibilities did not exist (on various levels, but academic being a huge part of it).

It's funny to think that it's only Wednesday (err, Thursday), and therefore it has been like, 3.5 days since I had come back - yet, I feel like I went through enough emotional Up's and Down's to last an entire semester.

But I think that things have changed a lot since last semester.

Namely, I found a group that resembles a lot of the high school friends I have back at home; friends I can laugh about stupid things with, stay up all night chatting with, and provide a support mechanism that is so needed in this kind of an environment.

Today, as I fluctuated between my modes, I found myself in friends' arms as much as I had on a typical day in high school.

There's nothing like the warmth that a good hug brings. And I am so, so thankful to have so many good huggers in my life.

Another point of reflection: I really, really need to learn to love people, even at their worst.

정리 - DONE

Coming into Spring Break, there were a couple of things I needed to "정리" in my life - mostly for my own mind's sake. 정리, in Korean, means to organize or figure out - it is very difficult to convey all the connotations that the Korean word has in English, but for now, this will have to do.

It seemed that as wonderful as this Spring semester of 2010 has been, a lot of things in my life were cluttered, or left undone; many things left unsaid that needed to be said, many complications that I just brushed off casually.

Well, all these things are very unlike me - I am usually the type of person that needs to see the end of things (I have a very hard time 'letting go' but once I 'let go' it's over as over can be) - and the fact that I had so many things not figured out was lurking in the back of my mind the entire semester, bothering me on those restless nights after an incredibly busy day.

So I took this week-long break to relax under the beautiful sun in the Pacific (the better coast) and contemplated. A lot.

Everything ranging from what I fail in doing in certain situations to all the unanswered calls and emails were taken care of; I also took a break from Digsby and my phone (for the most part) in order to sort uneasy feelings about friendships and relationships that had emerged in the last few weeks.

I always considered myself to be an open person, open to sharing about my emotions and what-not with friends and family. But I guess everyone has their share of secrets, and I am still largely grappling with trust issues.

I always thought it was because I could not trust people - and that was, in itself, the only issue.

But now I think that there is a bigger issue at hand - the root of this trust issue is not merely a trust issue, but a control thing.

On the surface, I am really not the control freak - and I am very far from being a perfectionist. That is, in group projects and in my own work (whether it be school work or a piano piece or baking), I am definitely not the person who needs 100% perfection to be pleased. But I guess internally, on a different level, I do have major control issues.

In my own mind, everything needs to be clear - whether it be relationships, friends, or the direction my career is going toward. I allocate certain degrees of motivation to each category that I am working on; that's where my "all-or-nothing" mentality takes its root.

Therefore, when things were left cluttered in my mind - with things going out of my control - with relationships emerging that I had not allocated certain levels of my attention and obligations that I half-heartedly engaged in, I was essentially going crazy.

In looking over all these thoughts, however, and realizing that I have this major control issue, I began to see the extent of my lack of trust in God.

Letting things be and "going with the flow" is one thing; realizing that the more I try to retain control of my life, I am actually causing it to slip away from my fingers is another.

Identifying this about myself is probably the best thing that has happened during this short one-week break. Now is the time for some extended reflections and prayer..

Twenty.

No longer a teenager.

I am not sure if aging is such a big deal anymore, since birthdays are becoming more and more meaningless. Still, I feel like this new decade in my life deserves at least a blog post, so here I am.

The birthday started out with a surprise! short party with APO exec board, which took me completely by surprise and made me feel so homey. An earlier celebration in the week felt a bit superficial, which made me question certain things...but of all things, this weekend made me love APO more (I thought it was not even possible to love it more!).

The day continued on with random friend visits and a late lunch/H-mart trip with a friend that I had not imagined to have developed such a special bond with; it's really funny how things turn out sometimes.

At the night of my birthday, I was busy preparing for the Rush Final Mixer, one of the few events that I am in charge of this semester; although it was a little bit stressful in the beginning, the event went smoothly for the most part, and APO made me feel incredibly loved throughout - although it was busy, I would not have had it any other way.

But the night was not over yet. After a brief encounter with church people, I realized that the east coast snow storm had begun; therefore, a friend and I ended up deciding to "walk in the snow" instead of studying, and we built a snowman, took pictures, made snow angels, and completely enjoyed ourselves. When we returned, we cuddled with a cup of hot chocolate and just talked.

I love honest, spiritual conversations that go on for hours. I love hearing and sharing about having a relationship with God and how faithful and good He has been to us.

The past 20 years have been filled with His grace and love. I honestly can say that I am excited for getting to know Him better as I grow in my relationship with Him.