A Review: "I Love You, I Don't Love You"

Wow.

So even having read the negative reviews and the fact that it was booed at the Berlin Film Festival by critics, I decided to watch this movie simply because Hyunbin was in it.

I didn’t expect myself to be in tears by the end of this very slow-moving, frustrating film. This was even more surprising given that I am so incredibly impatient. The film centers around a couple that is preparing to break up after 5 years of marriage. The entire movie takes place over a one day period - the last day the couple has together, as the female lead is packing up to leave the house for another man.

“Come Rain, Come Shine” (the English title), or “I Love You, I Don’t Love You” (the Korean title), is so strikingly different compared to a typical Korean film or drama in that there is minimal emotion shown, and even less dialogue. There are many long shots of objects, a focus drawn to the two characters’ (rather dull) interaction with items and absolutely no explicit explanation of their feelings or even their past memories. There is no screaming (albeit a very small outcry by the female lead), no frantic tears over a lost love (as is very common in the Korean entertainment world), minimal conversation between the two.

But there is definitely a presence of deep feelings. Deep, deep feelings and an incredibly heavy mood that I found it difficult not to be sunk into the movie despite its slowness.

It’s clear by the first half of the movie that the female character is struggling over her decision to leave - and although the ending is very inexplicit and vague, I think the fate of their relationship is made very clear through various shots and hints given throughout the film

The film moved me in such a way and managed to completely break my heart despite the lack of dialogue or outward emotion. I ended up going on Naver to see what Korean people thought, and it was given pretty negative reviews - but I honestly think the characters were developed well, and the movie is one of the most thought-provoking ones I’ve seen in a long while.

I would not watch it again, however. I think the novelty of the film is reserved only for the first time.

I realized this toward the end of the film, but I think one of the reasons the movie impacted me so much is because…it reminded me so much of a particular relationship in my life that I had in the past.

I think this was largely due to the unspoken nature of our relationship - like the couple in the movie, we never fought or verbally acknowledged that there was something wrong, even though both of us recognized that countless things were wrong. There were so many long pauses in between sentences as we struggled to choose our next words. The mood was always so heavy, so frustrating, so full of emotion. I wanted to scream and yell, tell him how much he hurt me, tell him how he’s broken so many things. Instead, like the couple in the film, we were just there, carefully choosing our next words, smiling softly at one another, being courteous, offering to help each other - even during the time period when things were most strained.

In reflection upon it now, I wish we had had the courage to argue, to yell - a display of outward emotion that would have made very clear of our inward feelings, that would have broken the incredibly dense mood before it was too late. Instead, we were too busy being nice. I remember that particular day - OUR very own last day together - and how I worked to suppress my emotion, occupy myself busily in helping him clean up his place as he was getting prepared to move hours away from the location where we had spent most of our time together.  How ironic is it that I can find so many parallels between this day and the day portrayed in the film?  Throughout that day, we exchanged no words for the broken relationship that was to happen in a matter of hours, no display of emotion despite the fact that in my mind, I had already broken into a million different pieces, a total mess. I didn’t shed a single tear.

The relationship has been over for a while now, and it doesn’t affect me nowadays at all. It’s interesting, though, that I never noted this particular element of the relationship until I watched this movie. I was not the usual, bubbly, happy self in this relationship. Instead, I had been transformed into someone deeper, someone struggling to find her words, someone forced to keep her deepest emotions locked up inside. It’s really interesting what life does to you sometimes. And it’s even more interesting when life takes a movie to help you recognize it for what it actually was.

Wuthering Heights

I finished the book in about 1.5 days. Starting the book, I never thought that I'd get to a point where I couldn't put it down, but hey, life's full of surprises.

I remember the best English teacher I had ever had - my AP English Literature teacher during senior year - recommended the book as a "must-read for girls who like love stories". I had meant to pick it up earlier, but it so happened that I ended up reading it this summer, 2 years after I had first heard the recommendation.

Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights explores the dark side of love, as young lovers' destructive love ends up destroying not only their lives, but (basically) everyone in their lives as well. However, I do not think it is fair to blame all the terrible things that Heathcliff ends up doing on his love for Catherine - the treatment Heathcliff received from Hindley and others largely contributed to his desire for revenge. That brings up another theme of the book that I picked up on - the terrible nature of human beings on self-righteousness and hatred. The book exposes the cycle of hatred - related to the capacity people have deep within to do evil. Heathcliff was abused most terribly by Hindley, which led to his desire of revenge, to not only kill Hindley but to take all of his possessions and destroy him in the process. Heathcliff responds to evil with evil, not only affecting those directly responsible for his nature, but also negatively impacting the future generation.

Heathcliff's malicious nature can be exposed not only by his terrible treatment of Hindley's son - Hareton - but also through the way he essentially destroys his own son - Linton. In the process of doing so, he destroys Isabella, his wife, and attempts to take the young Catherine (the daughter of his own beloved) into misery as well.

I think most people would agree that the entire book and story centers around how Heathcliff and Catherine's love is so powerful that it destroys so many lives. I think that their childhood sweetheart love might have ceased to become love once it got to a point of destruction - it became an infatuation, an obsession, engulfing their lives as well as the lives of everyone they could drag down with them.

Why must their love be so destructive? It honestly really puzzled me as I read through the novel - why is Heathcliff completely obsessed with Catherine? Is it possible for one to be so "crazy in love" to the point that it becomes an unhealthy infatuation? What is it about Heathcliff and Catherine's love that leads them to throw away everything else in the process, including their own children? (It's obvious from Heathcliff's treatment of Linton that this is true in his case; it is also true in Catherine's case since she knew that she was pregnant with a child and pretty much had no desire to live anyway).

It seemed to me, as I was reading through the novel, that Heathcliff's and Catherine's love for each other was very much so idealized, mostly because their love was forbidden due to societal expectations and...honestly a part of me feels like the characters (or perhaps just Catherine) put up walls that did not exist in between their love. I mean, really, she could have just ran off with him anytime in the beginning of the novel. I was reading up on the topic and scholars have said that it was because their love was stagnant that it ended up being so destructive. They refused to change. I think that perhaps they refused to change because they idolized an ideal version of their love.

Nearing the end of the novel, I was so sure that it was going to end up on a depressing note with everyone but the narrator (Mr. Lockwood) and story-teller (Nelly Dean) dead - but I was in for a pleasant surprise. The story ended on a positive note, with young Catherine and Hareton falling steadily in love - not a firey, passionate type of love but a steady love that magnifies over time and undergoes change. I guess that might be the key moral of the story then.

All the other characters end up being destroyed because of their firey, passionate love that borderlines obsession [Catherine<->Heathcliff, as already discussed; Edgar->Catherine; Isabella->Heathcliff and Young Catherine->Linton (this almost happened)]. Or perhaps it's just that the initial (Catherine<->Heathcliff) love is the root of it all that destroyed the rest of the individuals involved in the ordeal.

I think the timing of my finishing this novel is very interesting because I have had very recent talks with friends and my sister about marriage - all of us agreed that a relationship that can grow over time is much more healthy for marriage than one that is full of vigor and fire in the beginning. Blehhhhhhhhhh.

And now I'm thinking, 'Wow, growing up really sucks'. I kind of want to go back to those immature times when I dreamed of my own Disney prince in shining armor. Now I know how crazy and complicated "love" can be. And also I am realizing that "THE ONE" might not actually exist, but there are just multiple possibilities. I can already hear certain friends going, "maybe that's because you haven't met the one yet". Blahhhhblahblah.

Wow, too much thinking at 3 in the morning. Clearly, that must be it...

Regardless of whether any of this blabbering might make sense or not in the morning, here is the updated summer list, with Wuthering Heights bolded to indicate completion:

Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

Bleak House - Charles Dickens

Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

Animal Farm - George Orwell

The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

The Five People You Meet in Heaven - Mitch Albom

I shall make another trip to B&N in the afternoon to pick up another book off this list.

Because of you

Sometimes, I wish that things were different so that on a night like tonight, I can just pick up the phone and call you. Just to say "hey, how's life?" - to see what you are up to, to laugh about the memories, to show you how mature I've gotten since the last time we talked, to get into a silly argument with you that clearly shows that I still have a long way to go.

Sometimes, I wish that I hadn't been so black-and-white on the situation. I wish I hadn't pretended that I didn't care when I clearly did.

Does this mean that I regret my actions? Nope. I don't believe in regrets.

Is it too late for us to be friends? Probably not.

Do I want to open up a line of communication between us? At this point, yes.

What then, is stopping me from picking up the phone and calling you right now? I don't know.

For a while, because of bitterness or what-not, I tried really hard not to care. But now ironically, I feel bad that I have stopped caring so much. I don't know if it's the fact that it's you, or the fact that I have essentially shunned a person that used to mean so much in my life, but I would like to reintroduce me to you.

So much has changed since then - and so much has still changed since the last time we spoke.

It's funny how due to my terrible memory and my "over-moving-on" problem, I can't even remember what spending time with you is like - I can't remember what kind of lifestyle I enjoyed with you being a constant factor or even much of your personality despite the fact that I knew you at such an intimate level for almost a year.

But there's something in me that still wants to preserve the little memories that I can remember from that era in my life. Maybe it's just because looking back upon it now, it's all so faded and vague that I am curious what it actually was like.

Or maybe I just have too much time in my hands right now and am thinking way too much...

Cry

Hello, blog. It's been a while.

I have wanted to write here for so long, but it's been...too difficult to convey my emotions of the past few weeks. But here I am now...although I am not exactly sure what this post is going to be about at all.

You were all by yourself staring up at a dark grey sky
I was changed
In places no one will find all your feelings so deep inside
It was there I realized that forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry...

I wanted to hold you
I wanted to make it go away
I wanted to know you
I wanted to make your everything alright

This is literally the corniest song EVER. But it seemed fitting for some odd reason, a nice complement to my emotions right now.

Even though this is super middle school, so much changed within me after that one moment.

And it's been bothering me since....

Another sleeplessness

I have been writing here a lot lately - I am not really sure what this means, but there have been so many cluttered thoughts in my mind lately that I really can't stand it sometimes.

I keep looking for you. Even though I know you're not a part of my life anymore.

It is literally driving me crazy. On the one hand, I want time to go by fast so I can just get over this nonsense and be "whole" again. On the other hand, I really want to just stop time and think. And just...love. I wish I can truly love every moment of my life, knowing that no matter how I feel, a single moment passes by way too quickly - there is really no time to be disappointed, hurt, feeling "down"...

Whattttt is going on here?

Someone once asked me if it gets easier after the first time.

I think my answer remains true: it doesn't really get easier - you still get ridiculously hurt and that uneasy feeling will still prevail, disrupting your entire life for a while - but you learn to cope with it better, you learn to hide it better. And by "hide" I mean not only from others, but from yourself as well.

Ugh. Emotions. It's been seriously way. too. long.

Epik High; Love Love Love

있겠죠 이별해본적

사랑했던 만큼 미워해본적

읽지도 못한 편지 찢어본적

잊지도 못할 전화번호 지워본적

기념일을 혼자 챙겨본적

사진들을 다 불태워본적

이 세상의 모든 이별 노래가 당신 얘길거라 생각해본적

- Love Love Love by Epik High

It's weird how this song gets to me every single time.

It is the one song that has been on repeat countless times on my ipod; a song I keep coming back to no matter how much time passes.

To me, it really speaks of the truth; it exposes how much damage love does, yet we all can't help but coming back to it.

I can't speak for other people, but the song really speaks truth in my life.

Especially with the recent events in my life, I am coming back to this song with a new light shining on the back of my head (I am not quite sure what this means either). I have had trust issues since...I am not sure when, but I know for sure that this issue of mine became full-on after that one particular incident. The damage has been done, and for the most part, all traces of it has disappeared from my life - except I still have some major trust issues.

I thought I got better, but tonight once again proved that this was not the case.

What is with this uneasy feeling...? Do I "let" him back in my life? At what risk? Is it even my choice to let people in and out of my life? Am I being selfish?

Oh dear God. Is this a repeat of 2006?